Panic attack part ten 

Previously on painic attack.

A car acident takes the life of Kristen’s farther. She is hospitalized for an extended stay. She sufferes form emotional trauma including anxiety and depression. 

 At first she was not interested in a romantic relationship. Aftet meeting jack a pastor’s son,she decided to give it a try. In manny ways they are very different. They are slowly learning how to relate to her.

Jack was working on a sermon when his phone rang. He realized it was Kristen. “Hey krissy.”he said. “Hey can you come over for super on Thursday? ” she asked. “Thirsday is fine. I have to get an oil change but i should done by 3:00 or so.”he said.

“Woa. What? “She asked. “I should be done by 3:00! “He said.  “No before that?”she asked. ” i have to have the ouk changed on my car. “He said.

“Your going to have a gerage do it?”she asked.  “I usually do! Why?”he asked. “Come by early. I will do it. “She said.” wait? You change oil?”he asked. “Yea i change the oil on the jeep or mom’s Car all the time. Bring your by and we can do it together. Just bring cloth’s to change into it. “She said. 

“Are you sure?”he asked. “I will very upset if you take it to the gerage.  ” she said. “How is it you know how to change the oil in a car? Your the girliest girl i know.you must own stock in nail polish!” he said.

“My dad did not have any sons just me and my three sisters.  He called it life skils. He taught us a bunch of stuff. I know how to change a tire and build a shack. ” she said.

” oh! I dont know how to do any of that. Although i am prety sure i coukd build a shack.” he said. “So come by around three. This will be fun. Consider it a bounding experience. “She said.

“Ok. I can do that. “He said. “Cool. This will be fun i promise. ” she said. “Oh ok. I trust you!” he said. 

On Thirsday he brought his car by. She told him to drive it into the gerage.  He did so. She wore coverall.  Her hair whitch was usualy down was in a phony tail. “Yes i am not wearing a skirt but this is only when i work on cars. ” she said.

“I did not say anything.  ” he said. She chuckled. She had everything ready. She went underneath the car. He watched her. “Pay close attention Next time your going to do it and i will watch. ” she said. “Ok! You got it.” he answered. 

He wacthed her do it. “Why do you have a jeep?  “He asked. “I like it. It is a 2002. I likes jeep. Someday i hope my family expands. I have always liked jeeps i gues. ” she said.” i was just curious. ” he said.

“Your not really a car person are yo”she asked. ” i like cars. I like getting from point A to point b. Other then that not too much. ” he told her. “I figured. I am not a huge car girl but i like cars. “She said. 

They finished up changing the oil. They left the car. He got up. He ofered her his hand and she took it. He helped her up. 

“Promise me you will never take it to the garage.  I  will find out. Be sure your sins will find you out. Yes it is a sin. Never pay for something you can easily do yourself. ” she told him. “Ok i got it. I wont. “He said. She chuckled.

“I never thought my girlfriend would change oil. ” he said. “Before you know it,you will be a pro of this. “She said. “Mayby you can teach me to play piano. “He said.”if you want to learn i could teach you. ” she said. “We will see. ” he said.

“I realy like you jack. ” kristin said. He smilled. “I realy like you. ” he said. “If you want to change you can use the first bathroom to the right. I will see you in a bit. “She said. “Ok. ” he said. She kissed him on the cheek.  Then they dispersed.

He changed into tan pants and a blue dress shirt. He put his other cloths into a bag. He went back to the garage and put them in his car. He went back upstairs. 

He went to the living room.”hello mrs greener.  ” jack said. “Please sit. Its Diane.  ” she said. He sat down. “Did you get your oil changed?” she asked.”i did. I was suprised kristin knew how to do it. ” he said.

“My husband felt that it was importent for my daughters to know certain life skils. Not that they had to use it but they had to be able to. They all took to it. Especialy kris and ash. Jared wanted a boy but he loved his daughters.  Kris was the closest child to him. She was his little side kick.  She used to tea parties with her stufed animals by the garage.  They would be interupted in order to get him a ranch. ” she said.

“I got the impresson they were close. I have tried to avoid the issue. I dont want to upset her. ” he said. “Jared was a good man. Definitely a family man. ” she said. 

“She is different today. Was this how she was before?”he asked. “She was very bubly. You are starting to bring it out of her. I want you to know i was never opposed to you and her being an item. I was just woried she was not ready. I have always been overprotective of all of them. Even more so sence the acident and the subsequent hospitalization. ” she said.

“I understood. “He said. “Has it been dificult?”diane asked. “I think we are starting to undertand how to relate to eachother. ” he told her. “Good. There are going to be ups and down. Dont be suprised if there is another down perioud comming. ” she admonished him. “Of course. ” he answered. 

Kristin had gone to her bedroom. She changed into a pink sleveless dress and put on a gray sweter. She wore flip flops. She put her hair back down. She walked down stairs. 

She went to the living room. He smiled at her. She smiled back. She kissed him on the cheak. She took his hand. He was a little skifish about physical contact any ways but was nervous about displaying afection in front of mrs greener,  diane. Mrs grener did not apear to be offended. He did not want to go overboard but a little bit of p.c is fine he supposed.  

Diane dismised herself to check on dinner. “Miss me?”she asked in a playfull tone. “It has not been that long but yes i missed you. Did you miss me?”he asked. She smiled and said, “yes i did.” 

“You cleen up well. “She remarked. “Thanks, so do you! I still am shocked you liked to work with cars.  “He said.”im versatile.  Everyone is diverse i think. Not as the world defines diversity. We are all a bit of an enigma rapped in a conundrum!”she said. He chuckled. “Your probably right. “He said. 

“I like to be full of surprises. Otherwise life would be boring.  ” she said.  “I am prety boring. I dont think i have any odd interest. I think my interest lines up with i.f.b quute nicely.  ” he said.” we will see about that. I am not convinced. ” she said. He laughed. 

“Am i going to be in for more surprises?” he asked. “Probably!  There is a good chance of it. “She said.  “Oh ok. ” he said. 

She left the room to help set up. He looked around the room. He saw a picture of her witg his dad when she was little. There was a family pictures.  She assumed it might have been one of the last with her dad before he died. He was called in for dinner.

They served ham,potatoe green beens and vegitables. She made sure to include vegetables she knew he did not like. She made sure he eat them. He eat them last. 

They had desert.  He was fall but was able to eat one peace of cake. After they sat on the porch. ” i dont think i can eat again for a week. ” he declared. She laughed. 

“I am not sure that i quite line up with independent fundimental baptist. I do mostly. I read king james i ware skirts or dreses most of the time. Other things i might not. “She said. “I figured. I suspected that.”he said. 

“I have attended both independent fundimental Baptist and independent baptist. When i grew up there was little difference. Slowly chirches drifted from king james and music changed. Dress standards as well. My mom prefers more conservative.  “She said. 

“What about you?”he asked.  “I like this church.  I like the people. They are freindly . the pastors son is kinda cute!”she said. “Only kinda cute?” he asked.they laughed.” you ok with being maried to someone slighlty on the strict side?” he asked. “I think i am ok with it. “She answered. 

“I am traditional .  some might say old fashioned. I sing the hyims, read from the king James bible. Dress up for church, i dont own a tv, etc. ” he said. 

“Well i see. I do read from the king james bible. I am somewhat modern but certainly not as the world defines it. I curtainly opose post modern philosophy.  I dont believe in situational ethics. I ware dreses and skirts and try to always be modest. I do ocadionaly listen to contemporary christian music. I do own a tv. I am conservitive. I believe in the fundimentles of the faith. ” she said. 

“I know that. I dont doubt that for a seccond. ” he said. “Do you still see me as a viable potential wife? “She asked. He put her arm around her. “Yes i do. I trust you. I know you would never undermine me. “He said.she rested her head on his soulder.

“I would never try to undermine you or to change your views.  I respect you and your views. I believe in separation and holiness. ” she said. “I know that. ” he said.

“What is a deal breaker for you?” she asked. “You have to be saved. I am Certain you are. I see evidence of spiritual gowth. I believe you are growing. A paturn of unrepentant sin. I am talking clear rebelion. It would be a red flag. I would atempt to work though it. Thst could be..i dont see that.  Under church discipline. That could be a red flag or a deal breaker. Dressing imodestly which you dont. Bad reputation , course talk. It is more isues of chracter. ” he said. 

“Ok. I am independent fundimental baptist. Just not as strong as orthers. ” she said. “I understand that. Your fine. I dont see a problem. ” he said. “Ok.i just wanted to make sure. ” she said. 

 She escorted him to his car. “I had a really good time tonight. I love spending time with you. ” he told her.

“I had a good time too. I feel like we are forming our own family unit. ” she said. “I do too. I love you krissy. ” he told her. “I love you jack. “She told him. 

He got into the car. She blew him a kiss. He pertended to catch it. He drove off. 

End of part 10

Next up

The anniversary of kristin’s farthers death takes her by surprise and throw there relationship though a loop. 

 

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End of sorrow part seven 

Previously on end of sorrow 

 Andrew lost his fiancée just before they were to be maried. A year later he met a penticostal girl named abby.she became his neighbor. She was interested in him romantically.  She did all she could to pesure him. He did not seem to be interested.  He tended to go back and forth.

His mom warned him not to go back and forth. She told him to be in it or not. She instructed him not to be in between.  She decided that she had to talk to her. 

He sat on his steps for a bit. He tried to short things out. He was ready to talk to her at least he thought he was.

He took out his phone.  He texted her. “Hey abby can you come out to the steps? ” he asked in the text.

They both had the rule that they would never be alone together until or unless they were maried. They haf never been inside the other’s apartment. They did not hang out on each other’s steps.  

The door opened.   Abby came out. She wore a blue shirt and jeens. She was wearing flip flops. She smiled at him.he smiled back.  “You summoned me? ” she said in a playfull tone.

She sat down next to him. “I wanted to talk to you. ” he said.”whats up?”she asked.  “My mom is woried i am sending you mixed singles.  She says if i keep hesitating, some penticostal guy is going to scoop you up. “Andrew said. 

” that is not going to happen andy. I would not let that happen. ” she assured him. “Its not fair. I dont want to hurt you. I do care about you. I dont want to see you hurt.” he told her.

“I know that. I know this is hard.  “Abby said.  ” in many ways liane and i dated sence we were little kids. I realy believed us getting maried was part of his plan. It made sense.  Everything seemed to be building towards that . that was no reason to not head in that direction.  Then in a split seccond,  it all changed. She is gone. My life my ministry it was all intertwined with her. I thought that was how it should be. Now nothing makes sense. I am lost.” he said. 

” i am not unsympathetic.  I would feel the same way.  To invest tbat much in someone else. ” she said. 

“I dont know where to go now. I dont know how to think or feel. I am not angery with God. I just dont get it. When liane died i figured i would be single the rest of my life. I had no desire to be with anyone. I had no desire for romance. Over time i became content to remain that way. ” he said.  

“Is that what you want ?” she asked. “I dont know. I did not think of it that way. I am not sure i have it in me to comit to someone. I am not sure i can be vanerable again.  I am not sure i am ready to love again. I dont know if i ever will. It is hard for me to let my gaurd down.  To embrace you. To even let you in. I find that dificult.i do care about you. I love spending time with you.   I love having you in my life. I gues i am sending you mixed signals.  I am truly sory for that. The last thing i want is to hurt you. Your so sweet!” he said. 

She smiled. She rested her head on his shoulders.  ” i know that.  I know you care about me. I know this is hard for you. I can’t begin to know all the things you have felt. The internal strugles. The not wanting to let anyone get to close to you. Are you open to the posibility of an us ?” abby asked. 

 “I am open to that possibility.  ” he said.  “I understand that you want to go slow. I ubderstand this is hard.  I know it will take time.  I need some commitment if your part. I need you to comit to us even if it is sometime In The future. I need stability secuity. I know we are not goung to mart tomorrow although it would be nice. I will wait if i know that i am waiting for something real. If there is something to wait for.  I cant wait for something that will never happen. If i know we are working towards something.  Something tangible. ” she said.

“Do you see me as your potential husband? “He asked.  “Yes i do. I have liked you sense that first day when i moved in. I would hornored to be your wife. “She said.

“I like you abby.i really do.i am afraid to open up again.  I am afraid to let my gaurd down.” he said. ” we are not in control.  Any control we believe we have is an ilisuon. We dont control anything. We dont sit in the drivers seat. We are not promised another second of breath.  What is our life is it even a vapor? Our times are in his hands.  I dont have a clue what the future holds. Im ok with that. I have never been on control not totaly.  I chose to rely in the one who is. Whatever happens. Though he slay me yet will i trust in him. This is not you. You are not living your existing. I have seen the real you. You cant keep your gourd up foever.” she said.  

“I know that. I know i am not in control.  I am ok with it. It is dificult. Do you want to mary me someday?” he asked.  “Yes i do. I think we will make a great couple. I want you to get back on tract. We will start a church as you wanted to. I will be a pastors wife. We will have kids. We will serve the lord together . are you open to us marrying eachorher? ” he asked. “Yes i am open to that. ” he said.  

“Look im not liane. I will never be her.  I cant be. I have a different personality.  Different background life experience.  I am a different person. I am far from a perfect person.  I have a lot of love to give. I have been told i have the gift of encouragement.  I would love to be able to be an encouragement to you. I think we will make a great team. ” she said. 

“You do really care about me?” he asked.”i do. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  I am committed to that. I want that. We can take it slow.i just want you to commit to me. Commit to mariege in the future.  Even if it is much later.  As i said i l would marry you tomorrow but i am willing to wait as long as i am waiting for something. I am wiling to go on your pace. ” she told him. 

“I know your not liane. I dont want you to be her. I do like you. I love who you are. Your funy silly at times. I love your bubly attitude. I love the thought of spending the rest of my life with you. I like it alot.”he said. 

” i appreciate your honesty. I know it was hard for you to open up like this.  I want you to be honest with me. I want to get to know you. Keep opening up. You can trust me i will never judge you. “She said.

“I am sorr if i hurt you. I am Sory to send mixed meseges. ” he told her. “I was hurt i wont lie. I was discoureged. I need you to let me in. I need you to try. I need you to give me a chance. Give us a chance. I want to see you working at this. “She said. 

“I hate the thought of you with someone else.  ” he said. “I hate that too. I dont want to be someone else. I want to be with you. I am not going anywhere as long as you dont push me away.  Lets work on this together. ” she said. 

“Ok. I do want to go slow but at the same time i want to move froward. Will you be my girlfriend?” he asked. “Yes i will. ” she said. He smiled. He hugged her. She held on to him. Neither one wanted to let the other go. 

End of part 7. 

End of sorrow part five 

Andrew and leane had been childhood sweethearts.he was a year older then her. Her family attended his church when they were both in jr high. They moved due to her farther’s work. The two hit it off almost immediately.  They were both the smartest people in the church. Everyone suspected that they would be a couple. 

They eventually became a couple.they did ministry together. They seemed to be the perfect couple. Everyone predicated that they would do great things for the lord.  Manny were already writing there story before it happened. 

They went to the same Baptist bible college. They were kind of a pakege deal. They did sumer ministry together as well. Everyone in there home church expected them to get maried. There was no suprise when there engagement was announced.  

Then everyone was shocked when leane was killed in a car crash. It made no sense. Andrew had to put a brave front.  His dream were dashed.the unwritten story would never be written. 

It had all been so clear.he and leane would be maried. They would start churches and serve the lord together. He had stoped. He had put everything on hold. Those in the church let him.they felt it nedded time.  He was still active in the church. He was doing ministry. He felt he was good enough. His heart was not in it like it had been. It was different. He was in a holding paturn now. 

If things continue the way it was,he would continue to do what he had for these two years. He would stil be in the funk. He would be struck.no one might not notice. he looked fine. He seemed normal.  It was a new normal. It was realy not where he should be. He was not where he could be. 

Then abby showed up. The spitfire. She was not one to stand on ceremony.  She said how she felt. She called it like she saw it. She did not mence words. 

She was the daughter of a penticostal minister.  Her family went from a series of churches within the assambly of God. His farther started out as an assistant pastor and moved on to pastoring churches. 

She saw something in andrew almost right away.she came to like him. She wanted to start a romantic relationship but he resisted those overtures. She started to back off.she realized that if he was not in it,there was little point to it.

She was miserable. She saw this image of them together. That concert seemed to be coming together. Then it all came apart. It was a hard few days after that. 

She tried to avoid him. She did mostly. They said hi a couple of times. That was about it. 

On a saterday she saw him getting ready to leave. She changed out of her jeens and put on a skirt. She went over to him. 

“Going somewhere?” abby asked. “Oh yea. Church picnic day. I was hoping to avoid it but it sounds like everyone is going to be there. I gues i am going to go. I used to love to go when leane was around.  It was more her thing but i liked it. Now not so much. “He said.

Abby did not like it when he mentioned her. She understood why he did. She was a big part of his life. That was over. Abby wanted to play that role. She wanted to be mrs.dade. it seemed leane stil ocupied that role in absentia.

“Well have fun!”she said. “I will try.i hope it will go fast.  ” he said.”i am sure that you will have fun. “She said. “We will see. “He said. She left him. She headed inside. She started to open the door to her apartment.  She stoped.

She ran to him. “Wait. Andy!”she said. He put some stuf in the trunk. He closed the trunk.  She went over to him. He stoped what he had been doing.  

“Im going with you. I wish i had planed better. I would have made my chicken salid sandwitch. It is to die for. Mayby some orther time. ” she said. 

“Wait? Your comming?” he asked. “Yes i am. ” she said. He chuckled.”ok!” he said. They got in to the car. 

“Nervous?” abby asked. “A little. I did not know i was bringing a guest.the pictures you posted got quite a reaction. I was pummeled with questions for days. I am not sure what you will do. You are a bit unpredictable! “He said.

“You woried i will spontaneously become slain in the sprit? I will just start speaking in tounges or something? ” she asked. 

“I wasn’t.  Now i am. ” he admitted. She laughed. “I will try to be on my best behavior.  ” she said. “Try?” he asked. ” you know me. I promise i will not to embarrass you too bad. “She said. ” oh my! Ok!”he said. 

He nervously parked the car in the parking area.they got out. Everyone seemed suorised that he brought a friend. ” hi andy. Who is this? “Pastor Jason web asked.

“Pastor web this is abby. Abby this is pastor web. “He said. ” hi welcome . it is good to meet you.”the pastor said. “Thank you. It is good to meet you.” she said.

She helped him unload the truck. The pastors wife came over and introduced herself. “Hi im carla webb. Pastor web’s wife. “She said.”it is good to meet you. ” abby said. 

” we are glad that your hear.”carla said.  “It is good to be hear.”abby said. Everyone was really friendly. Then he saw his parrents and his siblings. It was time to introduce her to his family. He was not sure he was ready for that.

“Is this abby?” his mom asked. “This is! ” abby said. “It is good to finaly meet you. ” his farther said.”i am been looking forward to meeting you as well. ” she told them. 

Then another car pulled up. It was leane’s parrents.he had not considered that they would see him with someone else other then leane . everything happened so fast. One minute he got ready to leave. All of a sudden abby was riding shotgun on his way to church.

He got realy nervous. He got tense. He tried not to look uncomfortable. It was not easy. He tried to act normal. He moved away from there line of sight. 

Abby was enjoying herself. She liked interacting with people from his church. Perhaps one day her church. Usualy she planed everything out. She had a strategy. She had a move and counter moves.not this time. This time she was flying at the seat of her pants.she had acted totally on impulse.  She had no plan.

It happened so fast. All of a sudden she realized that she was in his car on the way to his church. There was no turning back. She was glad to be there. She was glad that she did not have the time to rethink it. 

The dinner was really good. After the men were playing horse shoes.Andrew’s mom went over to her. ” it is good to finaly meet you.i wondered when i would meet you.”mrs. Dade remarked. 

“I wondered the same thing. “Abby said.  “His dad and i really enjoyed looking over the pictures you posted.it was good to see him smile again.it has been a while.” she said. 

“I like his smile. He has a good one. ” she told him. “He does. So are you two an item?” his mom asked.  “Not yet. I would love to be. He is not ready. Well at least he does not think he is ready.  ” she said.

“I am glad you are in his life. He had totaly shut down. We were woried about him.we stil are. We want see him resume life again. “His mom told her. “I am realy glad to be in his life. “Abby said. 

After a while she saw a husband and wife she had not talk to yet. “Hi im abby. ” she said “hi im Clark.  This is my wife jacky. ” he said. “It is good to meet you. ” she said.

“So what bring you hear today? “Jacky asked. “I am a friend of Andrew’s.  I am his neighbor. “She said. ” oh.  What kind of friend?” Clark asked. “Just friends.  ” she said.

Andrew saw them talking to abby. Oh no he thought. He was not sure what to do. He went over to her. ” hi. ” Andrew said.  “We have had a pleasent conversation With this young lady. ” jacky said. 

“She is a nice lady.”andrew said. Abby noticed that andrw was realy tense. She did not know why. After a while they dispersed. 

Later abby asked one of mats sister who clark and jacky were. “Oh! You dont know ” anna said. “Know what?” abby asked. “They are leane’s parrents.” she said.

Abby had no idea.it did not occur to her that she would run into them.she hoped that she did not cause him trouble.her impulsiveness sonetimes got her into trouble. Perhaps she should have thought thus though. 

Later they said goodbye to everyone. They went to the car. ” look i am sorry.  I really did not plan today.   I never ment to cause friction for you. I dont akways think before i act. I enjoy being with you. After the newsboys concert i decided to give you some space. I went on a self imposed exile with you. I hated it. I just acted today.” she told him. 

“Its ok. I am glad you came. They were bound to meat you eventually. I suspected you were on A self imposed exile.  I was not sure what to do. ” he said. 

“Are you really glad i am hear? I was not a nuisance? ” she asked. “No not at all.  Am glad you came!  He said. “So are you sick of me ? Want to come to my church tonight?” she asked. He said ok. 

End of part five. 

End of sorrow part four

Andrew went home that night he felt tense. He felt strage. He felt a thousand different emotion. He went from happy to sad to regret to everything in between. He did not know what to do. He was very divided. 

Could he really move on? Could he forget leane. Did dating abby and mayby even marying her ment that he had to forget leane. He felt like he spent a life time with her. Even though she was gone, he had his memories.  Though he never maried her he felt like he had. If he maried abby, he would have to abandon all of it. Abby would be his wife. He wanted to hold on to his memories of leane. He could not if he maried her.

He was havily divided. He would keep turning in facebook. He kept staring at the pictures of him and abby. He was happy. Even at the Christian rock concert he was happy. He had found memories of that event. He had to turn off the screen. 

He ended up looking at a picture of him and leane. He looled at a photo album of them. It was going to leed into there early days of mariege. Od course that never happened. He felt so sad. He had to give that up as well. 

Abby went to her house. She was so sad. She was in love with him. She had been for a while. She had such a good day. She knew she had pushed so Manny of his buttons.  She realy cared about him. She had no idea what to do now. 

He was afraid to go to church the  next day. He knew he was going to be pummeled with questiones. He figured that he would be asked a milion questions even before he went to the newsboys concert.he would get more questions now. 

He knew that people cared about him. He kept to himself. He did not talk about his feelings but this was the church he had attended sense he was young. They watched him grow up. He wanted to figure this out on his own.

He wanted to figure this out all on his own. He had no idea how to do that. He considered playing hookie. He was teaching an adult high school and there was probably no one who could take over at such short notice. He would go. 

He saw his mom and dad as he went inside.”hi.” he said. “So when do we get to meet abby?” his mom asked.” i am not sure yet. ” he said.”we are looking froward to meeting her. ” his dad told him.

“Well we are just friends.  I am not sure it is going to materialize into anything.  “He said. 

“You dont like her as something more then feiends?”his mom asked.”i dont know. It seams like it is too soon. ” he said. ” we would love to meet her. ” his dad said.

He got a million questiones. From how he met her to does it see it leading to mariege. He did not say much. He dodged as much as he could but answered it a little bit. 

“Andy how was the concert?” pastor davis asked. “Not you too. It was good well the concert not so much.  I enjoyed the conpony. ” he said. 

“You dont to mourn foever. You are young.no one expects you to stay single foever. Its ok to move on. ” the pastor said. “I know that. I envision that one day i will date again. I can even imagine getting maried.  Not now not yet. “He said.

“You only dated leane?”he asked.”yes. I did not plan it that way. Before we knew it we had been a couple basicaly for six years.” he said 

“Are you ok if abby maries someone else? ” he asked.  “I would like to say no but it would brother me. I could probably ajust. ” andrew said. “I would consider that long and hard. ” he said.

He drove home after church.  Of course abby got home at the same time he did. She wore jeens not a skirt.  He did not know if there was any significance to her wardrobe choice. 

“Hello. ” he said “hi andy.did you get a thousand questiones? ” she asked. “And thensome. Did you?”andrew asked. “I did.they arw a bit disturbed that you dont believe in speaking in tounges. They are also disrurbed by your view on eternal secuity. By the way i believe in eternal secuity.” she said. 

“That’s good to know. Otherwise you and i would probably get into a heated debate. ” he told her.  “I could see that. “She said. 

“Well i should be getting inside. “He told her. “Alright. Have a good afternoon.  ” she said.  They went there seperate ways.they went inside there homes. 

He felt prety good most of the day. He loved teaching Sunday school. The sermon in the morning had been very good.  Now he felt agitated. Abby made him feel a thousand different things. 

She loved being with him.when she was with him she did not want to be any where else.now that he was gone she missed him.what was odd was that he was right there.  He was next door. 

She considered texting him.she considered asking him to join her outside. SHe did not do that.she decided that that was not a good idea. She stayed inside.  

She saw him leave for evening service. She waited for him to leave before she got in her car. Then when he was gone she went to her car. She headed off to her church. 

The service went good. He enjoyed the message.  The question about abby persisted.  People wondered when they would get to meet her. He dodged the questions mostly. He was uncomfortable with them but he hid that fact. 

After the service. “So did you talk to abby today?” his mom asked.”briefly. ” he answered.  “Planning any more ccm concerts?”his dad asked. “No i am not. ” he said. Of course he did not plan the last one. “You should bring her to some of our churches function.” she said. “She says she is willing to go. ” he said. “Invite her. Everyone wants to meet her. ” she said. “Perhaps i will. ” he said. 

Abby stayed after church.  She played basketball a bit. She talked to friends in the parking lot. She tried to avoid going home. She wanted to avoid seing him. 

She finaly headed home. She figured he would be long home by now. She just wanted a break. She wanted time to sort all this out. She drove slowly. She was in no hury to get home. She puled in to her drive way. His car was parked. She parked in her spot. 

She got out of the car. She walked to her apartment.  She got inside. She thought to herself that she had made it. She realized how silly she was. 

She was not sure how to proceed.  She really liked him. She wanted to one day marry him. He was clearly not interested right now. She was not sure if he would ever be. She was prety sure that he did not think that he would ever be ready.  She just wanted some time apart from him. 

Right now it looked like nothing was going to happen between those two. Things often changed. Perhaps it would hear. Time would tell. 

End of part four. 

Panic attack part five 

Jack could not figure kristin out. One minute she seamed to want nothing to do with him. The next,she seamed to be realy interested in talking to him. He did not get it. He found himself a bit weary with the whole thing. He was fine with her not being a part of his life.he had been interested in her. It was a fleeting moment. Perhaps that was all it was. 

It was a smal church. He was bound to run into her. It was just how it was.  It was hard to keep constently seing her. It was a reminder of what could have been but never was. He did not want that. 

 He kept himself buisy. He worked at a grocery store . he also was the unoficial assistent pastor. He went with his dad doing visitation. He went to nursing homes and hospitals. He preached, taught Sunday school and headed up the youth program. He wanted to eventualy go into the pastorate. 

He had completed his shift and headed home. He went back to his house. His cell phone off. “Helo this is jack rayburn.” he said. “Helo jack this is diane greener.  ” she said.

His heart sank. He developed a large lump in his stomich. He had no idea what was going on. “Hello mrs grener how are you?”he asked.”i am fine thank you. We would like to invite you to dinner. “She said. 

He was shocked by this.  He was not expecting this. “I would love to. “He said. “I would like to sit down and discus something with you first. “She said. “Ok. Sure”he said. “Can you be hear at 4:30?”she asked. “Of course. “He said. 

“Excellent! “She said. “I will see you then.”he said. “I look froward to it. “Mrs. Grener said.then the conversation ended. 

He was really nervous. He put on a blue polo shirt and brown pants. He made sure he looked perfect. 

“So do you know why she invited you to dinner?” mrs rayburn asked.”no i am not sure.  “He said. “Nervous?” the pastor asked. “Very much so. I will be ok i hope. ” he said. “It will be fine.” his dad said. 

He got into his car. He headed to the home of the greners. He tried not to be nervous. He tried to stay calm. He found he was a slightly afraid of mrs grener. He was not totaly sure why but he knew he was. 

He arived at her house. He parked the car. He took a deep breath then excited the vehicle. He walked up to the door. Mrs. Grener was there to greet him. 

She invited him inside. They walked to a siting room. She invited him to sit. “My daughter kristin is intetested in being involved in a courtship with you. “Mrs. Grener said. 

He was a bit surprised.  At the same time he was not. He detected signals that she liked him. He also got signals that she did not. He found it all a bit confusing. “I see. “He said as he took a sip of cofee.

“Are you interested in such a relationship? “Diane asked. “Yes i am interested in a courtship with her. “He said. “I had suspected that you would be. There are some things i need to discus with you first. She wants to talk to you about this more extensively.  She would like to explain things to you in further detail. “She said. 

“I see.  ” he said. “A few years ago, my husband and kristin were in a car . a drunk driver rammed into them. My husband was killed almost instantly.  Kristin was badly injured. She was im a coma for a few months.  It was a duficult convolesence to say the least. The physical scars have for the most part have healed but the enotional scars have not.  She has been diagnosed with anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder . She is prone to panic attacks. “She said. 

He had no idea. No one knew what happened to mr. Grener. They did not think that she was divorced. She apeared to be very conservitive. They dressed modestly and acted in a behavior consistent with independent fundamental baptist. No one wanted to ask. 

It all made sense now. It seemed that one minute kristin was full speed ahead. Then she was just gone. The truth was that that was exactly what was going on. He had misjudged her. He felt really bad about that. 

“It has been difficult for her. She does like you. I will understand if you are not wiling to persue this knowing what i have told you. Are you still interested? “She asked. 

“Yes i am stil interested.”he answered.  “Good i had hoped you would be. There are a few stipulations i need to discuss. “Mrs.grener said. “Of course.” he said. 

“If you call her and she does not answer leave a voice mail then wait for her to call back. Dont keep calling. She might need time to herself. She will get back to you when she can. Just wait for her.can you do this?” she asked.  

“Yes i can. I will adhere to that. “He told her. “Good. I am glad to hear that. I am sory to rake you over the proverbial coals. I wory about Kristen.  I just want to see to her well being as much as it is in my power. ” she told her. 

“I definently understand that. “He told her mother.  “This wont be easy. I know i am asking you alot. I feel i have to. I must say i am very impressed with you. You are a hard worker with a good work ethic. You are a leader in the church. You have a good reputation. There is evidence that God had his hand on you. I believe that you could one day be my son in law. I am very suportive of this. “She told him. 

“I would love for that to be the case.”he told her. “As would i. Well dinner should be just about ready. Shal we?” she asked. “Of course. “He said. 

He folowed mrs. Grener into the dining room.  He was a bit nervous but tried to ignore it. He was excited at the same time. He had backed away from her as a defense but now he did not have to. Now he could get to know her. He was excited about that. 

The table was ready. He saw kristin.she smiled at him. He smiled back. He went over to her. “Hi there.  “He said. She smiled. They went to the table. She sat next to him. 

“Hi ! I am so glad that you came. “She told her. “I am glad i am hear as well. “He told her.they all sat down. 

End of part four 

Panic attack part four

Jack had wanted to talk to the new young lady at his church. Her family asked him not to. He hounored there request.  She seemed to want to talk to him. He did not understand it. 

He decided that nothing would come of this. He decided not to persue anything with her any further. He decided to focus on his ministry. He tried to ignore any thing else. 

He did not ignore her but he did not go out out if his way to see her. He did not go out of his way not to talk to her. He barely saw her. He had moved on. 

At church one sunday, the pastor made an announcement.  “Mrs grener invites everyone to an open house at her home on friday. Things will start at 6:00 with dinner and time of fellowship. ” the pastor said.

Jack did not intend to come to the open house. It was too akward. He was not sure that he would be welcome.  He decided that it would be best not to come. It was too complicated. He decided not to attend.  He did not realy have the desire to go. 

“I am not going to the grener’s open house. ” he told his parents.  “Why not?” his dad asked.”it would be a bit awkward. I would just prefer not to attend.it would be weird. I think it would be best for me not to go. ” he told his parents.

“You cant avoid kristin foever. The greners are becoming more and more part of the church. As an assistant pastor you need to have a good relationship with everyone in the church. That includes kristin.  She is a sister in christ. “His farther told him. “I know that.  I think i can still keep my distence. I would perfer to mantain a certain level of detachment.  ” he told him.

“You sure.  I think that most of the church will be there.  Your absence might be conspicuous.  “His mom said. “I realize that but i am really not comfortible going. I fell i need to not attend. ” he said 

“It is your decison but i realy think that you should go. It is up to you.”his dad told him.   

He was determined not to go. He really did not want to go. He knew it might look bad for him. He made the decision not to go. He would stick to that determination.  

His family got ready.”you sure you wont come?” his mom asked.  ” i am sure.” he told her. They said ok.then they left the house. He said his goodbye to his family.  

Kristin was nervous about the open house. She was also excited at the same time. She was looking froward to the event at the same time. The whole family enjoyed being hospitable.  The family had used to entertain missionary ,special speakers and those in the church. That was a while ago. 

Kristin had really gottin into it. She had gone all all out. She had fun doing it. Ashly saw that for a few short secconds,Kristin was the old her. 

People started to arive. Some brought food or deserts.  They helped out. Then Kristin saw the rayburns arive. She did not see jack.

She said hello to the pastor and his family. “Hello pastor and raybur s!”she said. They said hello. “I am glad you could make it.”she told them. “We have been looking forward to it. “Mrs. Rayburn said. 

“Is jack hear?” she asked. “He could not make it. ” the pastor said. “Oh i am sory to hear that. ” she said.”i will tell him you asked about him. “Mrs. Rayburn told her. “Thank you. Please do. “Kristin said. 

Kristin tried not to be sad. She really wanted him to come. It had never occured to her that he might not come. By the look of things he was the only no show. In her mind he was the guest of hornor.

She was hoping to have an event where they would just bump into eqchother. She wanted to ease into things with him. That was not going to happen.

She did not understand that there was a misunderstanding between them. The truth was that she wanted to go slow. She needed to ajust. 

He saw it differently.  He thought that she was kind of interested in him. He thought that her mom and sister were dead set against it. She went back and forth on the issue. He thought that she wavered on the issue.  He just wanted to move on.he no longer saw a relationship with her as a viable option. He wanted that door closed.that was why he did not come. 

Kristin was disappointed.  She made the best of it. She knew it could stil be a good time. It was an oportunity to become more part of the church. Before mr. Grener died,they were very active in the church they attended. They had not sence then.  

People were lauthing. There were good convrrsations.  People were enjoying themselves.  The greners were happy about that. 

Kristin got absorbed into the night that she forgot about jack. When everyone left and all the post party cleen up was over,she was sad. She tried not to be. 

Her plan was she would sit next to him. She would engage him in iddle chit chat. Then they would live hapily ever after.  Just like that.  That was not how it was. Not at all. Nothing ever goes quite as planed. In this case it certainly did not.  

“Kristin asked about you.” his mom told jack.  Jack was quite taken a back. “She did? ” he asked. “She seemed disappointed that you were not there.  “His mom told her.  He was surprised. “Oh ! I am a bit surprised.  I stil think it was for the best that i did not come. “He said. “It was a lot of fun. You really should have come. ” his dad said. 

He did not understand her. She seemed to be sending mixed signals. He did not have all the facts.  He drew his own conclusions . his conclusions were way off. There was no way he could know the truth. 

“Why did he not come? ” Kristin asked her mom. “He stil thinks he is suposed to avoid you. “Her mom said.  “I have talked to him sense that. “Kristin said. “Yes but you then ran away.” ashly said.  “Oh yea! ” kristin said in response. 

 “Are you ready to let him in? To really let him in? Are you ready to invite him to court you?”her mom asked. ” yes i think i am.” Kristin said. 

“Are you sure?”ashly asked.ashly became very protective of her sister after the car crash. “Yes i am sure ash. “Kristin said. “You will need to ecplain the situation to him. He may not want to pursue a relationship with her.anxiety, panic attacks and post traumatic stress are hard to deal with.it could be too much for him. He may not be interested.  You have to take that into account. ” she told her daughter.  ” i know that. I know that is a posibility. Given what happened today that is the most likly of events. ” her mom said.  

“If you want i woll personaly invite him to dinner. I wil sit down with him before dinner. You have to be perpaired that he may say no. This may not go the way you want it to. ” her mom said. 

“I know that.  I want to do this!” she told her. “Ok i will call him. “She said.  

End of part four. 

Next up. 

Jack agress to come over to the greners. He and Kristin finaly talk. 

End of sorrow part three

Andrew took out his key and unlocked the door.  He felt a sence of euphoria at first. he had not had this much fun in a long time.  He forgotten how to laugh. It just kind of came back to him. 

Then the euphoria did ware off. He felt sad. He felt Like he had beteayed leane. He felt worse then he had before.  He checked his phone. He looked over the picture of himself and abby. They were so happy.  

She was so mischivous so playful. She was silly . he started to chuckle. He remembered what she had said.he did remember how he happy he was.he started to be ok. 

Abby had set the picture of them on her phone.  She looked at it frequently.  She beleved that that night was the beginning for them. 

The next day he checked his Facebook . he saw a comment from his mom. “I had forgotten what your smiling look like. It is nice to see it. ” she said. He got a private mesege from his mom. “Andrew who is this abbygail?  ” she asked.

He smirked. “Hi mom. Abby is my next door neighbor. She is a friend of myine. She is really sweet.  She is a belever but she is a penticoastal. I try not to hold that against her. “He said. 

He got a mesege back from his mom. “Well she seams really nice. She seams to care about you. I want to meet her. ” she said. 

In the afternoon abby knocked on his door. He opened the door.  “Hi ab!”he said.  “You need to get ready. You look fine if you want to ware that! “She told him. He was taken aback.  

“Where are we going?  ” he asked. “Newsboys concert. ” she said ” i remember hearing about them. Tery watkins dial the truth ministry had a lot to say about them. They are christian rock.i dont asociate with ccm.”he told her. 

“I am not going alone. Your coming. You can bring a david cloud book exposing ccm. You can zone out. Your comming. ” she declared.  “I am not wining this one am i? “He asked. “Do you want to? “She asked.”no i dont. I will come.  “He said she smiled. 

“Seriously. You read dial the truth ministry?  Terry watkins is a nut!”she said. “He makes some good points. “He said. She chuckled.

He got ready.  They went into her car. ” you know people are going going to talk!”he said. “Yes they are.” she said.

 Andy was not sure about this.  He felt very out if place. He figured that he was probably the only independent fundimental baptist at this concert. Most likly no one would recognize him. He imagined that abby was plastering there faces on Instagram and Facebook.  She seemed to love posting pictures on social media.  Everyone would know he was hear. 

The music was a bit loud. Abby seemed to know almost every song. She was very into it. She was not shy.she raised her hand.  She did not go out if her way to embarris andy. She described it as displaying abbyness. She definently did today.

He did not any of the songs.he did not get the apeal of ccm. It made no sense to him.he tried to keep an open mind. 

She look over at him. She would kinda check up on him.she ask him if he was ok. He said he was. 

The song God is not dead started a debate.  “Would not a revival bring people back to hyim singing not Christian rock?”he asked. “Why? Christian rock is sinply one way of expressing whats on there heart. Our generation is making our faith our own. Is what we doing any different from the rise of new songs that folowed the revival of john Wesley?  ” she asked. 

“Ccm to me is wordly. It is Christianizing wordly music!”he remarked. “Some acussed wesly of doing that. The organ was very controversial when it first entered the church.  ” she said. “I knew you were going to go there!” he said.

“There is nothing sacred about the okd hyims. Some are really good but they are not the only acceptable music!”she said. “Speaking yo yourselves in psalms hyims and spriutel songs” he said. “We dont know what the hyins paul refered to sounded like.i cant believe you went there.  “She said.he laughed.

He got more use to the music. It was not so bad. He enjoyed being with her.  He forgot what human interaction was like. 

After the concert they started to leave. “So are you sick of me or do you want to grab cofee?”she asked. “Yea absolutely.  That would be fun. ” he said. 

As they walked to the car,she realized that they were holding hands. She had no idea who started it. She was not sure if she should take her hand away from him  or not. She decided not to. It did make her a bit nervous.  

There hands parted when they got into the car.  “So you went to your first Christian rock concert and you did not get struck by lightning. “She said.  “Im stil trying to figure out how to explain it to pastor rolins and his wife. ” he said.

” you could say you were kidnaped by a psycotic penticoastal. ” she said.  “That is very believable. “He said. “Hey! You were were not suposed to agree.  “She said. 

At the cofee shop. “So are you trying to convert me to penticoastalsm?’he asked. “No although you as a penticoastal would be very intetesting. I imagibe you would still be you just with speaking in tounges. ” she said.

“Are you always going to drag me to penticoastal and evangelical events?”he asked. ” yes. We can do things you want to do. You have to plan it. I will go to your churches events or i.f.b friendly events but you have to plan it. I have to start to get ussed to Baptist any ways. “She said. 

“Because your eventually going to become a Baptist? ” he remarked. “Yes exactly.  “She answered.

“So what do is your end goal with draging me out of the house usualy kicking and screaming?” he asked. “I am not sure you want me to answer that. ” she said.  “Why?”he asked. 

“You might not like the answer.”she said. “Ok.”he said. “My end goal i guess is you and i married with kids. You pastoting a church and me being at your side. “She said. 

“Oh. ” he said. “I told you you might not like the answer. ” she said.  “I have to be honest with you. I dont plan to get married.  I figure i will be single all my life. ” he said.  

“You did not promise the lord that you would be single? “She asked. “No nothing like that. I just dont have the desire to be married any more. It is not really in me. “He said. 

“I am going to mary you andy. You have to know i am persistent.  My persistence usualy wins out in the end. ” she said. “I have notice that. Your a nice girl but i am just not interested in being maried at this point. I dont see me changing my mind on that. “He told her. 

“Well you do really know how to put a damper on a really good day.”she said. “i figured. i want to be honest.”he said. 

“you say that today. you may change your mind. rather its me or someone else you should be oppen.” she said.

she regteted saying me or someone else. she let her hurt talk. she wished she had not said that last line.  

“I just dont see that right now. “He said. “Ok. “She said. “I suspected that you were interested in me romantically. I would like to be friends but i cant be anything more.”he said. She thought to herself. “Cant or wont?” she would not say it out loud. 

The ride home was a bit tense. “Your upset with me?”he asked. “A little. You cant feel what you dont feel. It is wrong for me to ask you too. Your still young.  We made sense. I respect you and i respect your feelings. “She said. “Ok. ” he said. 

The car pulled in. “I am sorry. “He said.”i know. “She said. They parted ways. 

He checked his facebook. The pictures form the concert got a lot lot of coments. Poeple teased him for his skour. There was one picture where he had his arm around her. He did not remember doing that. He could not persue a relationship right now.  A part of him wished he could. 

End of part three